Out From Under the Mask: Finding Voice, Confidence, and Speaking Up for Oneself
Based on a survey we ran last fall, we learned a topic women most want to read about is voice, confidence, and speaking up for oneself. On the one hand, this surprised me. I thought to myself, really? In the 21st century? Are we still struggle with this? And on the other hand I was not surprised at all. Our socialization runs deep. Women are taught to care for others and meet others needs. Sometimes we do this to such an extent we become strangers to ourselves. When we engage with the (patriarchal, doctor-knows-best) health care system, it can be extraordinarily difficult to know where we stand within it. When we engage with the health care system, we are generally looking for help which is a vulnerable position. Being vulnerable, or feeling vulnerable, particularly when we don’t feel well, can muddy the water about what we think and feel, let alone speak. I am further surprised by just how difficult this topic has been for me to write about.
I keep returning to the question, what can I share about finding voice, confidence, and speaking up that I have learned from listening to women for over 20 years and from my own life experience?
It is difficult to find our voice if we don’t make time, or have time, to connect with ourselves. When my kids were little and I was working full time, I read a book called Perfect Madness: Mothering in the Age of Anxiety by Judith Warner. She stated that what kids need most is for the mom to be happy. It doesn’t matter whether we work full time or part time, there is a nanny or day care, the kids go to public or private school. If mama’s happy, everyone’s happy. I was so angry when I read this. How was I supposed to know what made me happy? I was swinging from rung to rung keeping my family and my job afloat. It’s quite a charge to identify what makes us happy when we are simply trying to survive – and keep other humans alive. There was little time for reflection. How was I to hear my own voice among the howls of laboring women at work the toddlers at home? Time for reflection often showed up between the hours of 1 and 3 am. As the kids got older and more independant, and I got honest with myself about what I needed to be a sane human, I was able to identify one of the things I needed was a few minutes to be with myself so I could listen to myself. I like to think my kids grew to be flexible, well-adapted people in part because I (eventually) figured out how to take care of myself.
We need a corner in our life where we can put down the mask that allegedly makes everything look okay. Not only do we need a break from wearing our literal masks but from our metaphorical masks, too. We need a place where we can get real and quiet with ourselves so we can hear the whisper of knowing that comes from within. The knowing that comes from within is our voice. The corner may be in the car commuting, in the bath, in the woods, in the church, in the studio, or at the gym. It doesn’t really matter where it is. What is essential is that we take off the mask we show to others and listen to the quiet, or perhaps raging, voice that lies underneath the layers with which we we cover ourselves so we are able function.
We must talk ourselves into believing we are enough. My old colleague and friend Cate Gaynor, NP taught me this mantra: “I am enough. I have enough. I do enough.” I don’t know the origins of it, but I know most of us feel like we ‘should’ be doing more: Eating better. Drinking less. Exercising more. Advancing our jobs. Caring for our families. Making home. This drive to do more will be the end of us, honestly. I cannot tell you the number of women I take care of who end up sick trying to do more than is possible either because they think they can, life demands it, or because they struggle to say no. Women’s worthiness is dismissed in so many ways socially and culturally (i.e. in 2020, women earned 84% of what men earned (Pew Research Center)). It’s no wonder we have some unpacking to do around our sense of worthiness.
For most of us, no one is going to roll out a red carpet so we can take care of ourselves. We have to believe we are worthy of some of the time, money, and energy we generously give to others and then bestow some of that upon ourselves. It is unlikely anyone can take care of us in the deeply nourishing way we desire. Even those of us who have great moms still have to mother themselves. Practicing caring for ourselves builds confidence that we are to meet our own needs.
When we do find our voice, that doesn’t mean people are going to want to hear it. Family members, employers, and co-workers become quite comfortable with women doing for others. We may worry that advocating for ourselves in the healthcare system will result in estrangement from the very people we hope will help us. We may be considered impractical or unpredictable. The best health care pracitioners solicit women’s involvement in their plans of care. What a difference having a say makes in our ability to advance our health.
Voice is speaking, either to ourselves or others, what we know to be true for ourselves. I often hear women’s voices say “I know there has to be a reason why,” or “I don’t want to take medication,” or “I know this relationship is a barrier to my health.” Finding voice, having voice, and using voice ensures we have a say in what is good for us, which really can’t be defined by anyone else.